Encouragement

The past month I have battling with the infamous “D” that seems to accompany every Christian at some point in their life. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry, a time to mourn and a time to dance. In the poem that I wrote entitled “Too Tired”, (on a previous post)I talk about the things I seem to face as a person dealing with a chronic illness. I have never felt so isolated and cut off from society and part of me chooses to be this way because the way people treat me. I know they don’t understand what it’s like to feel what I feel, but sometimes I just wish they would be compassionate instead of jumping to conclusions or telling me to stop “speaking illness” over myself. I’m a realist and I’m not a fan of new agey concepts that talk about the power of words and sending out positive energy into the world… Yea, there is the power of life and death in the tongue, but I believe that refers to how we treat one another. I believe in God’s sovereignty. That God is in control of my life and allows certain things to happen to me even if those things hurt me. It’s only through being chiseled, ow, that I can grow and let God remove parts of me that isn’t pleasing or glorifying to him. God is good, even in my suffering and I was reminded of that this morning during my reading about a Chinese woman imprisoned for her faith. She struggled with sickness, hunger, and other atrocities while being imprisoned in a labour camp because of her faith and unwillingness to recant. There were times when she was depressed, but then there were times when God would do something to comfort her during the craziness she faced. Without the hard times, she wouldn’t have appreciated all God had done for her in the midst of seemingly endless darkness. If my dear sister did not give up fighting in spite of the way people treated her, I need to extend grace to those who say hurtful things to me.

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I’m Too Tired- A poem by me

It seems as though these days, I have a lot on my mind and a lot I want to write about as it’s my way to vent. It’s something I’ve naturally gravitated towards when I’ve been in an emotional state (high or low), either through music or poetry. I just hope that after reading this poem, you will be kind to those dealing with an illness.

I also want to give a shout out to those who have been sharing and blogging my poem! I heart and appreciate you!
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I wake up feeling tired
Some days
I’m uninspired
Because I’m.. too.. tired
To think
Too tired of this physical grief greeting me
Walking up a flight of stairs
Is a marathon for me
inhale and wheeze
struggle to catch my breath
Forehead is feeling wet
hearts beating faster
legs getting weaker
need to find a seat so I don’t pass out
yet
Smiling on the outside
Inside I want to shout
But I can’t because I’m too tired
I’m here for a purpose
Purposely vexed
Can’t lift this if I tried to
In isolation I find rest
and in rest I find stress
knowing I used to do more
And knowing I do different mores now
I used to run and dance
but also
I used to cry less
I used to feel less hopeless
Not bear emotional and physical burdens on my chest
I used to care for others more
Because they used to be less sour
Was ok being cared for
Now I run from people, harder
because I’m too tired of
The silence when I start to pant
The looks I get when I say, “I can’t.
The nods that are supposed to understand and be compassionate
just question your integrity with a second glance
because you look “ok”
so you think I must be lying, but
You don’t see the tears hitting the pillow every night in silence
but really, how am I supposed to look?
Since you hold the image of mankind and disease in your books?

If you want to destroy someone in the most unkind of ways
Shoot them down, tell them “you’re okay”
“pray a little harder, have more faith”
“Laziness is cured by doing something about it every day”
It hurts deeper
to be shot down verbally
when we’re already dealing with pain physically
Each blow sways us away from human interaction
Forces our minds into a state of rejection
But it doesn’t matter anyways
because I’m too tired

– Angela Johnson