Tonight

By Angela Johnson

Tonight I’m reminding myself that you are good.

Mainly so that I can find joy in the morning. Because I’m mourning.

Peace. Knowing that you have understood the cries of my heart.

Because in my frailty I feel like I’m being torn apart.

It’s hard to fight to live, when you’re not really living.

I’m living blind- unable to see. Help my unbelief.

You’re using my pain, and yet it’s a wound so deep.

It’s often times disregarded, which makes me feel discarded.

But you hold my pain in your hands and tell me to fight.

I realize that you are working through the pain. Growing me stronger- in so many ways.

My goal is to Persevere until the end, knowing you can use this plight for my good in the end.

But can you also use it to help others?

I know you won’t let me suffer in vain.

Purpose. You give me purpose in my pain. And so I cling to it. I won’t let it go.

Tame this heart.

Help me remember in your eyes, regardless of myself, I am loved.

That I am given so much worth in you- that I will probably never see in myself.

The fact of the matter is that you see me. You know me. You hear me. You see me broken in so many ways- you still love me.

So when I want to give in —

You always sustain me somehow. You will always be my “enough”. You have my trust.

So with whatever storm comes tomorrow, I want to rest. Rest In your arms. Because I know healing will come eventually.

Maybe not in “my way” but always yours. It will- whether this life or the next. You control the doors. And still you continue to pour life through me.

I’m alive another day. I’m here so that I can still say that you are God, you are good and I thank you for today. Today is more than I deserve- and still you lather grace.

Please take away my entitlement so that I can always be at a point to offer praise.

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