A few days ago, I went to see my GP in a panic.
I should give you some background information here regarding the panic: this is the first time I’ve had an amazing doctor who is actually “aware” of my lyme disease and is not dismissive of it. This doctor knows I have a naturopath treating me for lyme, so my GP is in the safe zone when it comes to lyme. But she does, ask on occasion how treatment is going. That has been huge for me as It’s been the first. (In the past 5 years!) I have an insane amount of anxiety any time I go to the doctors because I’m always scared that they are going to one day, not want to deal with me as a patient because of the politics surrounding lyme disease. For the first time, I felt like I actually had a doctor who wanted to help me get better. The rest of the doctors it seemed would have rather let me die, or lock me up in some sort of loony bin because I was simply trying to get help. Help which is often too risky for doctors, in Canada 100% of lyme disease doctors have been stopped from treating lyme patients with longer courses of antibiotics. To illustrate this and make it more practical: An infectious disease specialist told me point blank: “Even if you DO have lyme, there’s nothing I can do for you”, to which I replied…”So I just get sicker and die?” After I said that the room fell morbidly silent and this ID doctor stopped his eye contact with me. My mom was in the room and wanted to strangle the man, but we got up and left. I share that story to paint the picture that has been the last 5 years of my life but also something that is the reality for every lyme disease patient out there. I’ve dealt with specialists, that never wanted to see me again, once I mentioned lyme disease. I even have photocopied letters from these specialists that said I inquired too much about lyme and “will not be seeing me again”. Long story short, I have some form of PTSD from going through all this neglect in the medical system. And this is why I hate having to make a trip to the doctors. A system that was ironically intended to “Do no harm” yet does so much harm it could create more health concerns just from the stress of it all alone (If you don’t know what I’m talking about about when I say lyme politics, I suggest you watch this documentary Under Our Skin). So even though I have a good doctor, she’s been so amazing. I still have massive anxiety that she will drop me. Which is so upsetting, because I can’t control what is happening to me. My illness is not even dietary related, it’s vector borne…anyone can get it. You, the reader could get it.
So the reason I made this trip to the doc was for my lungs.
I have been having issues with my lungs for the past few years now. It’s always been pretty common for me to have troubles breathing especially at night due to the lyme. But then I began randomly spitting up blood which I thought was weird. I didn’t even have to cough, I would just feel like I had a bunch of phlegm I needed to spit out, but when I would go to spit it out, it was blood. This process, continued to happen and I had various doctors say I had a respiratory infection, or allergies. So I ignored the problem thinking it would go away. 6 months went by and it was still happening, and then by the time a year had passed I figured I should tell my new GP about it. So I got whisked away to more specialists, one who totally thought I was crazy. But, he sent me for a chest x-ray anyways.
I waited about a month until I got the results back. Didn’t expect anything to show up.
Apparently the xray showed lumps (the medical term is granulomas) in my lungs. My GP told me it can cause a lung disease, so of course I wanted to know if it was serious…or not serious.
I found out that it was the culprit of my spitting up blood though, so at least I got some answers.
Anyways, I researched it and granulomas can often come from bacterial, viral, or fungal problems. So I figured, oh, it’s probably just the lyme. I saw my doctor to get more puffers and try to get more information about what’s going on with me, as I’m still confused. And she stopped me before I got too far ahead of myself, and made comments like, we don’t know what this is yet. We don’t know if it’s benign if it’s not, what is causing it. If you will need treatment ect.
So, needless to say, that kind of freaked me out a bit. (But I don’t think the lumps are cancerous, I’m praying that’s not what it is.)
Then during the course of our interaction she made a suggestion that there was a doctor closer to me, if I wanted a new GP. My heart SANK, and immediately, I was thinking over and over “it’s the lyme”.
Now that I have lung issues, I have to see a lung specialist. Normally I would not even mention lyme if possible, but because granulomas can be caused by infection I feel like I “need” to tell him I have lyme. For the sake of helping eliminate whatever is in my lungs. I’m scared though that if I do this that A. Then I might not get any help.
and B. I don’t want him to pressure my GP to drop me as a lyme quack. So my anxiety definitely flared on my commute home. I was crying the whole car ride home, non-stop and felt like vomitting. I couldn’t eat. I was too stressed. So I put Andy Mineo on in the car and started singing along (with intermittent ugly sobs in between)
“Whatever comes, whatever goes, the Lords teaching me He’s in control, and if I never have anything more, well at least I got him and he saved my soul so I’m alright”. I vocalized a jarring, “God you are good” in the car. And continued to cry when I got home on the phone with my mom and she prayed for me. I did a crap load of deep thinking and want to remind you and myself, that God is still good.
For those of you who follow me on facebook, this is what I wrote the day of:
Sometimes life is so overwhelming and situations seem completely hopeless. But in the middle of everything I might perceive to be bad remains the fact that God is good regardless of my emotions and present situations. What an oxymoron. Praising God in the midst of tears from a wearied heart is such an “unnatural -reaction” yet something weird happens when we do; There becomes a reason and a hope for our pain, that if God is good and in control he is going to turn everything around for my good (for his ways are better than my ways) and for His glory. I am completely tired, worn down, and feel defeated today and my heart feels empty…BUT I am not destroyed because I have hope that God is using my pain for something greater than I can comprehend. If this is how God plans to glorify himself, then why should I complain, the greatest testimonies are usually ones which involve suffering and struggle. If my life was perfect and everything was great of course I could say God is good but it would only be because of my natural reaction to my “situation” where I feel “blessed”. But if I say God is good, in the middle of sorrow, how much greater does that glorify God? Anyone can love God when life is comfortable. Anyone can worship something when there’s no persecution. What then, happens when the heat is cranked up and you are suddenly thrown into a fire? Would your faith stand?
Be careful not to just base your salvation on an “experience” or emotionalism. I challenge you to really dig and understand “why” you believe what you do.
Sorrow and grief are real things that create real pain. But the crazy thing is, sorrow and grief happen to the Christians and the buddhists and the pagans. What is the reason for your pain? Is there any purpose to it? In Yeshua, yes.
So today, after almost having a nervous breakdown…I want to remind myself and you out there who are going through something….that
A. God still cares and is working something out with your struggle for your growth and greater good and his glory and .
B. He chastens those he loves. If you have not met with suffering yet, you WILL. C. God has not left you and will never forsake you.
D. God also suffered and became human so that he could understand our grief and empathize with our pain and love us with such compassion to such a degree that when we see him again he will wipe away every tear from our eyes.
This is written mainly for me because I need it, but if this helps you too I’m happy. When David wrote in the psalms, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation”
He was speaking to his soul, his very being to remind himself about the goodness of God, and his future inheritance because his current situation was causing him so much anguish. In his anguish, Christ was his joy. Christ was his light at the end of the tunnel for him. And it should be that way, but we so easily forget how precious Yeshua is and how amazing it really is that he did so much for us, for our joy, and because he longs to be with us.I have Yeshua, my salvation, that’s a GOOD thing, even on my bad days. So today, I’m reminding myself that God is good, in the middle of my pain. His finished work stands firm, and nothing can shake that, not even suffering or anguish. He suffered, so why should I not suffer? Should I only expect his blessing? Only the sunshine and never the rain?
Expect the rain. But remind yourself about the good things God has done for you. Also remember, whatever we lose on earth, we will regain in heaven. Health, family, friends, infinite joy ect.
I hope this is helpful in some way.
Soli Deo Gloria.