I am pooped! Whewww!
So, my fam jam went away for two days. We tried to pretend it was a vacay, but really we traveled so that I could finally meet with an LLMD and get some much needed help for LYME disease. Because lets face it, Canada sucks when it comes to lyme..just being honest. We got home last night and I could tell my body was not doing well at all.
I ended up blacking out and having a seizure. My mom and sister always seem to realize how severe my lyme is when this happens which in a bizarre way is good because it pushes them to be on the same page as myself and fight.
Anyways, so when I met the llmd, talked about my symptoms and showed her some weird rashes on my back she immediately said I most likely have multiple infections: borrelia, babesia and bartonella. I was just glad to hear someone confirming what I already knew I had. The only thing that sucks is multiple infections are harder to treat and generally take longer. She also did some neurological tests and told me that the bacteria has gone to my brain which I was already aware of.
I have some blood work I am getting done which will get sent to IGNX labs in California. They specialize in testing for lyme and co-infections, and for some reason their tests are more sensitive and can pick up on more than a regular labratory.
So for the meantime she wants to have me on lots of probiotics to prepare my stomach for long term antibiotics. The only thing is…I don’t financially have the money for long term antibiotics because DANG, they are so stinking expensive. The industry really is designed to keep sick people sick. It’s so gross. So I’m in ‘freak’ out mode juuuust a little bit but I’m trying so so hard not to be because I know my symptoms get worse when I am anxious and I need to remember that God is in control. But then there’s also a part of me that wonders if even spending that much money to get help is even worth it because by that point…I could still relapse. My organs could still shut down because of being messed up for so long.
I think part of me wonders: what’s the point?
Unlike many of y’all who have lyme, I don’t have a husband or children who “need” me around. I have God. But even so, what can I do for him? Not much. I’m not trying to be depressing, I’m just being real and honest. In the beginning of being sick I was fighting really hard and pushed for answers and tests. I had people tell me it was all in my head and pushed through it all anyways I had doctors send me to psychiatrists. Had boyfriends say things that were hurtful about my illness. SO after fighting “solo” for so long, it just gets exhausting and old. Really fast. I know that even Paul longed to be with the Lord, and that is how I feel now. I know that God is still good, and I’ve been able to help some people lately in regards to lyme which is fantastic, but other than that In a weird way I feel like Job, everything has been taken away from me and I don’t know what my purpose is here. (Again, not trying to be all woe is me) but when you get sick your passions change, your future goals change. There was a point in time when I wanted to get married (prayed for my husband smh) and wanted to have children and open up an arts company/ministry. But now I feel stupid for even entertaining those ideas because they are not realistic. I even thought about living the single life and doing missions, but deep down I know that realistically with my health problems, it’s not the best idea. Anyways today is just a bad day. I’ll snap out of this soon.
So for those of you who have families. Praise the Lord for them. Or even close friends who help you out and encourage you to fight….pray for them often and remember to be thankful for them!
But anyways, I’ll end off on a positive note: I know that I CAN get treatment. I finally found a doctor who KNOWS a lot about lyme and isn’t afraid to give me that diagnosis. It just depends on ….if and when I get treatment due to finances. So there is hope, it still seems dim, but there is hope. And I have to force myself to remember that true hope isn’t in a cure or getting better.
It’s in Christs substitutionary atonement. He loves me. And that should be enough.
I am pooped! Whewww!