So, I seem to be at war within my mind right now. Today is one of those days when I ask God an important question (in my mind) and that is, “God, What are you doing?”
I need to remember though, that Gods ways are not my ways and his thoughts are not my thoughts. In his goodness and grace, yes- His grace, He is doing all that He can to shape me to be more like Christ, so even though I am filled with fear and anguish about certain things: Will I ever get a diagnosis? Will I even get better? Will the physical pain stop?
Will I get worse? Will I be able to do my passions again? Will my creative talents cease to be. Will I need to depend on others more? Will I be a mother? Will I even be able to have children with my endo? Will I be able to continue working? Even though those questions plague me, I know God has a plan at work!
But most of all, what concerns me most, is trying to hold onto joy in the midst of life. My New Years resolution was inspired from a bible verse in 2 Cor 6, which is when Paul explains that he is sorrowful yet always rejoicing. I want to rejoice in the midst of my sorrow and think of Christ! To truly, in hard times remember his goodness and faithfulness. When I start to remind myself about the gospel, (which I think we all need to do all the time!) it fills me with joy, because it moves me to remember all God has done for me and how much I don’t deserve his gift of grace. I am grateful, even though life gets hard, I’m always grateful.
So, Whenever I start to worry or become anxious about anything, I have a notebook where I have decided I will write down something I am thankful to God for during times of sorrow,pain or fear, to remind myself of Gods goodness, especially when it gets hard to see clearly through life’s muck.
One thing that has helped me remain joyful, besides the person of Christ and his atonement, is the act of praying for my brothers and sisters. I think of their struggles and suddenly my problems seem to disappear, if even for a moment. I get excited and joyful thinking about them and how we’re fighting the same good fight together and it spurs me on to fight harder. I’m grateful for them so much. And the fellowship we share makes me feel … not so isolated.
Yet above all, Christ was a man of many sorrows, but even through his sorrow he lived his life to please His father. I hope that I can learn to be like Christ especially in that area. To learn to trust God to lead me in the middle of sorrow and to remember that His plans are what matters, not my comfort. I have all of eternity for comfort and unceasing rest ahead of me in heaven anyways! A life of sacrifice and gratitude is the least I can do while I am still living. As long as God continues to keep me breathing. God bless you!