“Now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold, which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” [1 Peter 1:6–7]
So….I tried posting a blog earlier this week. But, my laptop decided to backtrack and delete everything I had written. I did not have the energy to re-write my post! But right now I have so much on my mind, so I figured I can emotionally vomit my thoughts and feelings here and share these joyous moments with you. Yay!
These past few weeks have been insane in the membrane. Last week, (and continuing to this day) a lot of neurological symptoms have started to act up for me which has been fun. One thing I noticed is I’ve been having LOTS of muscle fasciciliations, pretty much all day uuuurday, when I’m resting, when I’m working….you name it.
I’ve been having breathing problems, drooling issues (what the..?), muscle weakness, and bouts of tremors again. In the middle of all this my endometriosis symptoms have been flaring up. I’ve been having some sort of breakthrough bleeding and have suffered horrible cramping and lots of shooting pelvic pain. (So much fun!) The thing is, I’m on seasonale and I’m technically not supposed to be having my period…at all. Anyways, last night I could hardly sleep because the pain was so bad, I slept with an electric heating pad all night. It’s not a good idea to do this, but I really had no other choice. I’m probably going to end up with some burn marks on my tummy because of this. But when you’re in pain, you don’t care. See, I just wanted the pain to go away. I also took a crap load of vitamins hoping it would help ease the pain. And if that wasn’t enough I took tremadol this morning because I had to go to work and needed to be able to work pain free. I don’t think they helped at all though, because I kept running to the bathroom to throw up. I had horrible pains in my abdominal area… and for the rest of the day, anything I would eat or drink I would just vomit. I’m still scared to try to eat dinner…because I don’t want to waste it, by throwing it up and it’s almost 11pm!
I talked with my specialist, and we discussed the possibility of doing another surgery. If this pain continues, I think I may go that route.
I still don’t understand how I manage to cope with all of this, other than by the grace of God.
I ask God to take my illnesses away, or sometimes have these illnesses take “me” away, but He always seems to respond with “my grace is sufficient for you”. Much like when Paul the apostle asked God for his buffeting to stop…God instead gave him the grace to endure the sufferings he was going through.
All I have to say is that God is giving me the strength to do this. Although I notice I’m becoming irritable and frustrated easily recently… I need to pray for his continual peace and patience.
It is really hard to make illnesses or diseases relate able or even understandable to someone, if they don’t have an illness them-self. People expect so much from us (in my experience), and sometimes playing the game “I’m okay- you’re okay” gets daunting and only makes me more exhausted. I don’t like talking about my symptoms when they happen anymore because I feel like I’m under a microscope, and I always wonder, if my friends and family really do believe me, or if they too, like the medical community, think I’m crazy. It’s such a frustrating thing to have all these physical things go wrong in your body and have the community doubt their very existence. I think that in itself makes you go crazy, because you realize you may never get the help you need. And then you realize that the medical profession isn’t necessarily about “helping” people. It’s about profit. It’s a business. We are just numbers to them, not people.
There was a lady diagnosed with myalgic encephalomyletis, who ended up taking her own life. Her friend spoke on her behalf (also dealing with the same illness) and said that,
“She escaped it. She took her option. If you’re in so much torment and pain, how are you going to get out of it if there’s no help? And you might be in it for good. And there’s no relief. If you were being tortured, what would you wish for?”
If I were to describe having an illness….that would be how I would describe what we all go through. That’s why illnesses can cause depression: There’s constant pain, no help, no treatment, your goals and ambitions are gone, the things you used to do- you can no longer manage, you wonder ‘why’ you’re still here or if you have anything left to contribute to this world, the self esteem you once had is smashed, because you have to constantly fight with people to merely “listen” to your symptoms. It gets to the point where you feel that no one any longer wants to listen to you and when they do, you wonder if they really do care.
But in the midst of all this, I have to remember that God is a wonderful father, and He is listening to my prayers (even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it) and he hears my many maaany cries. He provides for me time and time again when I am in need, gives me strength that I don’t have on my own, and continually brings me back to Him through all of this hardship. He is teaching me to trust him, in all of this craziness, because it’s in all this craziness that I don’t see a purpose for it, BUT, one thing I do know is that in this- God is getting glorified. So as long as this continues to happen, then, I can come to terms with being “sick”, even though it’s not something I look forward too….”yay vomiting!”. If this is helping other people to become strengthened in their faith, then this is worth it.
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. [2 Cor 12:7-9]
“Count it all joy, my brethren when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” [James 1:2–4]