When I look at my life and all that has changed I see the type of change which only could have happened by the grace and loving mercy of God. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks and I realize how incredible it is that my life has truly been changed, and for the better. I’m still human, and I still go through my days where I am completely vulnerable and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes I may get triggered by certain things: For example, I was at a Shane Wiebe concert last week with people from my work and I was loving every moment of it, and then, he sang a song he wrote for his daughter called “My princess”. I thought it was the most beautiful song I had ever heard- as it was almost foreign to me that a father would love his daughter that much and write a song for her claiming that he would swim the farthest sea for her, and would do whatever he had to just to kiss her cheek. I was already very emotional and tried not to show it. When Shane sang the last verse he started talking about how he will see his daughter on her wedding day and then some other prince will have her- with this he started crying. I was trying very hard not to cry, but tears streamed down my face because I knew that I would never see my father on my wedding day.
I know that my father made a conscious choice to leave my sister and I during our adolescent years and during this song it hurt. It stung to know that there are real men out there who love their daughters and want to be there for them during every walk in their lives, just not my father. Abandonment is something that is hard to get over. I don’t hate my father, and I never will-but I am reminded of God and how much he really loves me and cares for me. When Shane sang “You’re my princess” I felt like God was smiling at me with the deepest love for me and that made me glad. Even right now I’m starting to well up with tears as I type this. It’s tough.
My whole life I’ve been looking for love. I grew up in a dysfunctional/explosive home. And just wanted to be validated. I knew who God was but wasen’t sure if he was really there, because of everything that was going on in my home life and at school. At the age of 17 God showed me the most amazing love that no one else had shown me, not my family, not my closest friends, not even the church (cult) that I used to attend. God held me in my weakest moment of despair and gave me life. At a time when I wanted to die– he fought for me to live and he audibly told me that he had plans for my life. He was the only one who cared about little ol me. Little ol Angela. And at the age of 17 I dedicated my life to follow Jesus Christ because He (quite literally) was the only reason I had to live, He was my only motivation to wake up in the morning.
Fast forward several years- My relationship with God has grown like crazy. I am nowhere near perfect but in HIS eyes I am seen as righteous thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus. I am still striving for spiritual maturity which can only come by growing in my walk with Jesus daily. I have made a commitment to follow God and I have been regenerated. The things I used to do, I don’t do anymore. The things I used to love, I don’t love anymore. I don’t listen to secular music, I don’t drink…I don’t go clubbing and put myself in compromising situations if I know it isn’t going to bring God glory. I am not a legalistic person I’m just a Christian who loves God and wants to please Him by how I live my life. I have a lot of friends who wonder why I don’t go clubbing and get drunk- -you see, I understand that Jesus ministered to the prostitutes, but that doesn’t mean he became one and engaged in the same things they did in order to reach them or talk to them. Some Christians drink- and some listen to secular music. For me God has convicted me of some things that I needed to change in my life. I still am a work in progress and I am ALWAYS in need to growing. Thankfully my family life is great now. I have such a good relationship with my mother and my sister which is really wonderful. I never in a million years thought we would be where we are today. God has restored my family and healed us of the many hurts that we have gone through together.
Because of Jesus Christ I now stand as righteous before God. Not only am I forgiven and granted eternal life but God sees this wretch (moi) as Holy because of what Jesus had done.
I will never be perfect because I am born into sin- my forefathers Adam and Eve paved the way for my fleshly tendencies. And even though I will never be Holy like God, because only he is ultimately Holy- I can be seen as that through Jesus’s eyes. My sinful nature serves as a way to give God further glory. I will never be perfect and that’s exactly why I need a saviour. It’s not just my actions, but it’s my thoughts, the things that stem from my heart are the things which condemn me the most- I am so grateful to Jesus for what he has done. He has gone over and above anything I deserve.
I am sanctified- I want to be obedient to all of Christ’s commands. And live with the bible as my motivation for living. A few days ago I bought a homeless person some food. Not because of my own tendencies, but because I had Matthew 25 run through my head: “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’
At first, as I walked by the person he asked for change (which I don’t carry on me anyways) so I didn’t respond. But as soon as I sat down with my sister, those verses kept playing in my head like a broken record until I did something about it. It was totally God who directed my footsteps to do what I did. Not my own heart.
I am not a good person, I assure you that, anything that is good that comes from these hands or this mouth is because of Jesus and what He has called me to do. I am prone to wander- I am prone to sin, but God has called me to pursue righteousness and love, and in that quest, I am ALWAYS growing.
My life has not changed just with the restoration of my family and mental disorders within it, the “physical” evidence stuff- but God has changed my life inwardly, influencing how I think, what I think, and the way I pray for people. The love I have for people comes from God. I love because God loves me, and you, and everyone else I come in contact with. If it were not for God I would probably be a bitter man hater/church hater/relational hermit crab. (And trust me, I’ve spent my fair share of life being bitter.)
My brothers and sisters, I urge you
Pray for your enemies, show love to those around you. Esteem everyone better than yourself.
Pursue God with all your hearts. He can help you in your time of need because nothing is too big that God can’t handle. My life is living proof of this. There is more to my story and I will share this later. I may just post a youtube video of my complete testimony.
2 Timothy 2:22
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.