I’m not weary ….yet.

2010 is here, and as usual, the new year has started off with a bang. A very loud bang in my heart. Ouiie! I like blogging because I can rant as much as I want… and I know that people aren’t getting sick of it- (If you are sick of this please stop reading and go dance to backstreet boys…GO!) But you see, blogging is not like a real life encounter where someone asks you how you are doing and you reply with the cliched, “I’m fine thanks”, when we all know the solemn truth : NOONE is ever really fine. Except for me, because I’m like superhuman or something…but not really.I just want you to know that I am fine though, in all seriousness and I am coping with the curve balls and challenges that life has thrown at me. It seems like the past few months- maybe 6 months or so. Have been somewhat ….”testy”… can i use that word?
Too late. Testy= uneasy.

I’ve been going through so much, that I feel like I should be drowning by now or something- and up until this point life has given me more heartache, yet, I’m still not drowning.
Last year I diagnosed myself (Yes….myself) with GAD. General anxiety disorder. I freak out about the littlest things and make them into something huge- when there really is no need for things to be blown out of proportion. I feel sick to my stomach, sometimes throw up…get shakes…etc..
Part of this anxiety I believe has caused my many health problems. And from time to time when anxiety is triggered, my symptoms flare up. (Usually.)
ANYWAYS, what I’m trying to say is that it’s unusual for me to be doing so “well” after all this stuff that has been going on.
I’ve lost 4 friends this year.
One friendship ended with me getting sworn at.
The second friendship ended with me getting yelled at.
The third friendship ended quietly. Phewf.
The fourth friendship ended in a stalker/possessive way. This person did not want to let go and threatened to show up at my house to try to talk to me. After I clearly said not to.
We threatened to bring in the law if he proceeded to do so.

Yesterday was a strange morning because I was cleaning out my basement suite looking at family photographs. I never usually look through photos while I clean, thats not part of my cleaning regimen. I picked up my photo book and browsed through many memories.  I looked through the photos of my family and missed them dearly. In my mind I thought, “I need to go visit them soon with my sister!”. They live on the other side of the country so I don’t see them much. My sister and I just sent them a Christmas card asking for e-mail addresses to stay in contact.
I came across a photograph that made me laugh. Me and my cousin Wisdom did makeovers on our uncles as jokes. I found a picture of my uncle Don in his beautiful red lipstick that Wisdom and I gave him. I looked at the picture and became sad. Didn’t know why, until I got a letter in the mail not even an hour later from my mom.
The letter was from my aunt (who I LOOOVE to pieces) who informed me that her husband had died. She enclosed his funeral pamphlet. I opened it up with my sister watching me and said…..”Uncle Don died”….and turned around as my sister and mom proceeded to read the letter. I didn’t want them to see that I was crying so I started putting dishes away in my kitchen. My mom and sister went upstairs and said we should phone Roy. They did, and I stayed downstairs. When they left, I started sobbing like a crazy girl. My aunt Bev and uncle Don have been the only family that has constantly reached out to me and my sister. I love them more than anything in the world.
There are other things going on with my family back East which made my heart so sad. I feel so helpless being on the other side of the Country. I talked with my cousin on the phone yesterday and asked how everyone was doing? She said it was a low blow to the family and her and her brother are sticking to their mom like glue to be there for her because that’s what family is for.

That is what family is for.
RIP uncle Don.
See you again one day.

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