So last week. I tried writing my dad an e-mail basicially saying, “Stay out of my life until you’re ready to be a part of it”. And I could not write anything for the life of me. Everytime I tried to think about what to write and how to say it I just burst out crying. It was so wierd. I would talk to my friend Christina and that would make me forget about the e-mail. And then I would open the e-mail again, the blank email. And start thinking about what to write… and start crying again. Yeesh! I think that this year is the year I finally realized the reality and gravity of what happened with my dad. He left. Bottom line. He could be here now… but he’s not. I had a good talk with one of my old friends on the phone about this a week-ish ago. And I think that was the first time I ever cried about the dad thing. (Although I don’t think he knew I was crying. Cuz I wasen’t making sobbing noises and whenever I felt the need to cry I would move the phone away from my face to make sure he didn’t hear me. Unless I did a horrible job at hiding it. 😛 )
Ah well, I thank God that I had someone who was good to talk to about stuff
But now comes the tricky part:
I don’t know how the heck to write the stupid e-mail to my dad. I know I should, because when he comes back in my life it makes things confusing. I move on without him, and blammo he’ll call once a year and then i’ll never hear from him for the rest of the year. (Even though I send cards, e-mails, phonecalls)
He is a jerk, and I don’t wan’t him to think he hasen’t hurt me or my sister. He didn’t even say goodbye to her when he left. I really feel like he should just stay out of my life. If he’s only going to call once, why call at all. Whats the point, seirously?
Jesus help me do the right thing Im soo frustrated.